We’ve been fans of New Jersey’s finest since even before their first album came out back in 1994, so let’s just say we’re used to sitting around waiting for them to take their sweet-ass time putting out new music. (Three albums in more than 14 years makes the Wrens about as prolific as Boston, which is kind of like being as tall as Danny DeVito.) Given their propensity for not even updating their website (the most recent entry is promoting a Charles Bissell solo show on December 11), we decided to take matters into our own hands to keep fans up to date with the latest Wrens news. Each week, we’ll check in with Bissell to find out just what exactly the quartet hasn’t been up to.
:: Wrens Watch, Jan. 5, 2009
MAGNET: Hello, Charles?
Mr. Bissell (Charles’ dad): No, this is Chuck’s old man.
Oh, hey, Mr. Bissell. We met at Wrens show in Philly once. Been friends with Charles for a long time now.
Charles doesn’t have friends. He’s fat and he’s stupid.
Uh, excuse me?
That’s from Throw Momma From The Train. Funny fucking movie. That Danny DeVito is from Asbury Park, you know? Funny as fuck on Taxi. You never saw DeVito in Throw Momma From The Train? Not artsy fartsy enough for you? What, you like those Jim McGreevey Brokeback Cowboy movies, do you? Fucking figures. That’s the kind of crowd Chuck’s band gets. It’s a fucking shame.
OK then. Well, is Charles around? I have to talk to him for this week’s Wrens Watch.
Is that that gay thing you do on the computer? I saw that one where you were talking shit about Chuck’s kid—my fucking grandson, mind you—on the computer. I should come over there right now and kick your ass for that shit.
Well, no offense, Mr. Bissell, but I can see where Charles gets his mouth from.
Is that so, pussy boy? Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. Call back here again, and I’ll kick your McGreevey ass. [Hangs up]
Check in next week to see what’s going on in the wild and wacky world of the Wrens.