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GUEST EDITOR

From The Desk Of Drive-By Truckers: Once We Get To Memphis …

After fighting writer’s block for four years, Drive-By Truckers singer/guitarist Mike Cooley is now back to work. English Oceans (ATO) is Cooley’s return to full-on songwriting—splitting the tracklist right down the middle after letting bandmate Patterson Hood steer the ship for the two albums prior—and is a return to form for the group as a whole. While DBT has never been a band to slack on the road or in the studio, English Oceans has the vigor and exuberance that made it one of America’s best rock groups. Cooley, Hood, bassist Matt Patton and multi-instrumentalist Jay Gonzalez will be guest editing magnetmagazine.com all week. Read our brand new Drive-By Truckers feature.

Memphis

Hood: < BLACK SCREEN >
Charlie: Think that dog ever woke up?
Lester: I’m sure he has by now. Why you even bringing that up now?
< SCENE: Charlie is driving old beat up muscle car with Lester in passenger seat. Both are drinking, possibly smoking. >
(Charlie keeps his eyes on the road and keeps driving through the back roads)
Lester: Oh, so now you’re gonna be the strong silent type and sit there and sulk.
Charlie: I didn’t say nothing.
Lester: Bullshit, you brought up the dog, and now you’re just going to act like you didn’t say nothing.
Charlie: Well you started all this shit.
Lester: About the dog? I didn’t even know that dog.
Charlie: No, I mean all this shit from the beginning.
Lester: Beginning? You talking Adam and Eve shit?
Charlie: I mean like beginning with you and me and all the shit we got into.
Lester: You talking about the preacher or the pharmacist?
Charlie: I’m talking about the candy bar.
Lester: What fucking candy bar?
Charlie: You know, the one Mrs. Carlin kept in the top drawer of her desk.
Lester: What?
Charlie: The damned Three Musketeer bar that Mrs. Carlin always kept in her desk by her flask and mouthwash.
Lester: Goddamn, Charlie, that was what, 40 years ago?
Charlie: Well you’re the one that’s always yapping about getting to “the root” of a problem, and “the root” of this problem is that candy bar you stole from Mrs. Carlin’s desk.
Lester: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, some fucking candy bar. Besides you stole that candy bar.
Charlie: It was your idea and you stole the flask.
Lester: And you helped me drink it
Charlie: Alright, we both drank the vodka in the flask
Lester: And you always say, “Don’t give a redneck white liquor.
Charlie: (Laughing now) I think this was before any of us ever said that.
Lester: My daddy used to say that.
Charlie: That was probably the only smart thing your daddy ever said in his whole sorry life.
Lester: You’re probably right about that.
Charlie: That candy bar started all this shit.
Lester: (laughing) Don’t give a redneck nougat and milk chocolate.
Charlie: And of course Mrs. Carlin knew we took it. She always hated us anyway.
Lester: You always called her Mary Hartman Mary Hartman.
Charlie: She looked just like that lady that played Mary Hartman on TV. And besides, every time I would say that, Leigh Ann Jenkins would laugh.
Lester: And You loved Leigh Ann Jenkins
Charlie: Everyone in seventh grade loved Leigh Ann Jenkins.
Lester: I still dream about that ass.
Charlie: I would have tagged that if we hadn’t gotten sent to reform school.
Lester: We wouldn’t have gotten sent to reform school if you hadn’t gotten all crazy on Mrs. Carlin
Charlie: You’re the one that tied her up in the first place.
Lester: If we didn’t stop her she was going to tell the principle or call the police or something.
Charlie: She was a seventh grade English teacher with a flask if vodka in her desk; she wasn’t going to tell Mr. Parker a goddamn thing.
Lester: Well, I guess we weren’t thinking too straight after drinking that vodka.
Charlie: And eating that chocolate
Lester: And Nougat. Don’t forget the nougat.
Charlie: Ted Nougat never had a lick of sense.
Lester: So now that we’ve strolled hand and hand down memory lane, what the fuck are we gonna do now?
Charlie: I guess we’re gonna go see the pharmacist and get us some pills and then we’re going to drive around until we figure out what kind of trouble we’re going to get into, and then I guess we’re going to get into it.
Lester: I think we ought to find ole Leigh Ann Jenkins and make up for all that lost time.
Charlie: Do you know how old Leigh Ann Jenkins is now?
Lester: Our age.
Charlie: Need I say more. She probably has an ass the size of the national debt and drinks more than this sweet ride we are driving.
Lester: She probably has a fine ass little redneck daughter.
Charlie: She probably has a fine ass little redneck granddaughter. We’ve gotten old you old piece of shit. How’s the Professor looking back there?
Lester: He’s not moving, but he’s not stinking yet either, so I’m not sure. Want another fucking cold beer?
Charlie: I’ll take another cold beer.