Categories
GUEST EDITOR

From The Desk Of Aloha: Band Names

BandName

Matthew Gengler: Band names are all stupid. Maybe not all. But kind of yes, all. More now than ever. With the overwhelming presence of internet search in everyday life, the pressure to create the perfect unique identifier for your band is immense. The most successful bands create perfectly findable band names. And the rest are named Aloha. Google Attic Abasement and you will only find information about the band. Good job, dudes. Google Diarrhea Planet and you will not only find information about the band, but you will probably also find out how to spell diarrhea. It’s hard to spell, two “r”s and then the “h.” Also, they have an album named Aloha. It’s troubling, but I digress.

There is math behind band naming. Somehow there’s always math. Something like, the amount of time spent naming a band is proportional, inversely or not, to the quality of the band name. Maybe even the quality of the band. Or perhaps the truth is that if you spend more than five minutes thinking about what to name your band, you will probably spend five weeks deciding on what to name your band. There is a Hard Times headline in there somewhere, I’m sure of it. “Band breaks up over the use of the article the in band name before first show.” It’s funny because I was in that band.

This is why the world is full of people who think it’s important or socially acceptable to call whatever accidental word salad they hear or see as a future band name. Dude that’s mine, band name: Dog Years. Nobody ever started a band like this. It’s a horrible idea. Please stop saying this. You are terrible people and you must be stopped. Also, there are probably already three or four bands named Dog Years. They likely all play roots rock and don’t know how to use the internet. Except for the one that’s a Rush cover band. I guarantee those guys work in IT. If they need a bass player, I’m available.

Tony and I started this band nearly 20 years ago. The conversation about what to name the band lasted no more than five minutes. I probably suggested something like Piñata. I don’t remember why I liked this idea. But I remember suggesting it. Fortunately, Tony said no. I then suggested Aloha. Tony said no again, so I wrote it in cursive and showed it to him. And then he said maybe. At this time, the bands we liked all had long ridiculous overly serious names. We liked these bands, but we didn’t want to be overly intense. We’d already had a couple rehearsals where songs ranged from clattering and intense to catchy and upbeat. We needed to strike the balance between overly serious long names and stupidly coy short names. Before we could find that, we became Aloha. It’s been long enough that I completely recognize that this is maybe not a great band name. But also, it only took like two seconds between suggesting it and accepting it. When people ask me the name of the band, it takes a second. I usually repeat myself, and then it’s over.

In the time since naming our band, we have come to accept that it isn’t the worst thing that ever happened. There is a metal band that appeared on a compilation with the name Aloha and recently a band in France that calls itself Aloha Orchestra. There was an Aloha Steamtrain, an Aloha from Hell and a woman named Aloha who had a smooth R&B record. For a while our Spotify page had what I think might have been a salsa band named Aloha. We aren’t easy to find, and so we’ve tried to name our records well enough to make that findable. Ultimately, I’m not disappointed that the band is called Aloha. We could’ve been called Piñata.