Comedy. Isn’t that what opening bands are for? Eugene Mirman and Patton Oswalt spent much of the last 12 months in close proximity to the music scene. Mirman released a CD, The Absurd Nightclub Comedy Of Eugene Mirman (Suicide Squeeze), and toured with the Shins and Modest Mouse; Oswalt issued Feelin’ Kinda Patton (United Musicians) and opened for Aimee Mann and Michael Penn on their Acoustic Vaudeville tour. The two stand-ups sat down to discuss what it’s like being intentionally funny at rock shows. Illustration by Matt Clark.
Eugene Mirman: Hi, Patton.
Patton Oswalt: Hey, Gene.
Mirman: So much changed in music in 2004.
Oswalt: Britney got married!
Mirman: Lots of indie bands went from not being on the charts to the bottom or middle of the charts.
Oswalt: It’s like a revolution or something.
Mirman: Thanks, America, for not being as into rap/rock as you were six years ago.
Oswalt: But no thanks for replacing it with Avril Lavigne.
Mirman: We’ve both toured with bands a bunch. Some people think it’s crazy, but the Beach Boys and Temptations have had comedians opening for them in amphitheaters for years. But enough about the good times, here’s the story of one of the worst shows I’ve had in a while. The year was February. First, let me say it’s wrong to judge a city based on one show where you only see a Spanish deli, a hairbrush store, a somewhat crack-feeling motel—all our rooms had phones and TVs that weren’t connected to anything, and breakfast was three pieces of untoasted white bread—and a Polish-American Hall, where the show was. Still, that is how I judge Miami.
Oswalt: I judge Miami for being Miami.
Mirman: I toured Florida with Modest Mouse, and a lot of the shows were great. Tampa, St. Augustine, Jacksonville and Orlando were really fun. But Miami, not so much. The venue was really super-duper hot, and the sound filled only half the room. Wet, sweaty people who can’t hear you make for a bad audience. But here’s the real problem: Some girl in the front row kept asking me questions and interrupting and yelling crap at me. I play some videos during shows, and she even yelled during them. People rarely yell at videos, because videos are prerecorded and can’t respond. And, of course, like any heckler, she found me right after the show to talk. But unlike most hecklers, who are adamant that they were helping you and making the night spontaneous and exuberant, she wanted to let me know that she was trying to ruin the show on purpose. I was like, “Really?” I find that few hecklers are remorseless sociopaths. She excitedly said, “I’m an egoist!” I said, “Oh.” “Not an egotist. An egoist.” “I know. Like The Fountainhead.” “What?” “Ayn Rand?” “I don’t know who she is. I was trying to get you offstage so that Modest Mouse would come on sooner because I believe in self-interest-minded something-something actions, blah, blah. I’m an asshole, but it’s OK because my worldview justifies it.” “Well, enjoy living your life by your crappy half-philosophy.” And that’s how I met Nancy Reagan.
Oswalt: I wonder how Nancy feels now that Christopher Reeve is dead. Who’s gonna wave her stem-cell freak flag?
Mirman: George W. Bush went from being a divisive president to the person who did what Lex Luthor never could: He killed Superman. Have you had fun touring with bands?
Oswalt: Yes and no. Doing Acoustic Vaudeville with Aimee and Michael was great, especially when we toured through Ireland. London, however … We were in Shepherd’s Bush. The house manager comes and gets me and says, “OK, you’re on.” I go out there, and I can’t see into the crowd at all with the lights in my face. So I start my act. First joke—nothing. Not even a cough or a groan. Icy silence. I keep going, but as you probably know, when you’re eating it the way I was, you start talking faster and sweating, and you get the dry mouth. It was a fucking nightmare. Keep in mind, this whole time the audience doesn’t make one … single … sound. So 15 minutes into my half-hour set, people start talking to each other. The talking starts in the back of the room and starts getting louder, working its way to the front. So now I’m losing them, I’m thinking. Total flop sweat. I do my last joke and get this sort of disinterested chuckle, and then I stagger offstage, exhausted. The house manager comes up to me, scowling and tsk-tsking. He said, “OK, I let them in 10 minutes after you started, so we’re going to take a little break now and—” I said, “Wait. You let them in after I had already started?” “Yeah. Something they could listen to, you know, while they get drinks and find their seats.” “Wait, no. They have to be already sitting down when I—”“Not if you’re funny.” “No, it doesn’t work like—” “Not … if … you’re … funny!” He screamed that at me and walked away. That was London.
Mirman: It’s amazing how much some people don’t understand how a show works. People will ask me to host some music event, and I’ll say, “Sure, as long as I’m not talking while people are sound checking.” And sure enough, people want you to perform while someone is testing an electric guitar.
Oswalt: That happened to me when I opened for Camper Van Beethoven. I got, like, three jokes out, someone hit a string on their bass guitar behind the theater curtain and I was summarily booed offstage. It was Pavlovian.
Mirman: How is your Comedians Of Comedy Tour coming along?
Oswalt: The second leg went great. Everything I dreamed it would be. Cool crowds, time to stretch, excitement every night because we were in a different city and traveling with friends. You should do the spring one.
Mirman: I’d love to. Have you noticed any new trends in the world?
Oswalt: I feel like I’m getting old enough to see cycles repeating. We seem to be going through a weird combination of the early ’80s, rah-rah nationalism shit and a less scruffy, more organized version of the ’60s protest movement. I think the left wing is evolving, moving forward and growing up, which is fine by me. I want peace, but I want peace that smells like soap. Who’s going to be the first musician to buck this whole “get involved” trend and commit to not getting involved with anything that could help society? Like, a commitment to just get drunk, chase pussy and buy cars.
Mirman: Sting already has taken no side. He made a statement taking no side. I don’t think he’s chasing pussy, though, because it would kill him if he tried. He’s too weak to fuck. Poor Sting. He tantric-sexed his sex drive to sleep. Some other musician, like Jessica Simpson or Hilary Duff, made a statement that she didn’t want to take sides because she didn’t want to alienate half her audience. It’s true. If it turned out that Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid was the work of Democrats, Republicans would be outraged. It seems like the people who won’t get involved in politics are the same people who fear fun and fast pussy. Rock ’n’ roll is dying. Rock ’n’ roll will soon be divided into two camps: 16-year-old girls singing about being hit/learning to fuck and 35-year-old avant-garde rockers. Which will you be? Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned rock star who would crash a car or die and come back to life? Do you think the spirit of rock is being revived or dying? Who do you think today is a real rock star like Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Joan Jett, Ozzy? Did you ever want to be a rock star?
Oswalt: Yeah, but I wanted to be Donny Osmond. Obviously, that’s when I was a lot younger. Like 29.
