MAGNET contributing writer Jud Cost is sharing some of the wealth of classic films he’s been lucky enough to see over the past 40 years. Trolling the backwaters of cinema, he has worked up a list of more than 100 titles—from the ’20s through the ’80s—that you may have missed. A new selection, all currently available on DVD, appears every week.
The Wrong Arm Of The Law (1963, 94 minutes)
A postman opens the back of his van on a quiet London street and finds two intruders hiding inside. After tying him up, they make off with four sacks of mail and drive to a nearby warehouse. They place the bags inside rolled-up rugs and take off in a carpet delivery van for Maison Jules, an up-market haute couture salon in Bond Street. The entire caper is being patiently observed by three policemen in a squad car.
Inside the boutique, M. Jules (Peter Sellers) in a clipped mustache and quilt-collared evening jacket, tries to convince the mother of the bride that the gown worn by a model is just the ticket for the upcoming nuptials. “It looks all right on her, but what about that one?” she says, gesturing toward her willowy daughter.
“I assure you, madame, it will look even more formidable on mademoiselle,” oozes Jules in a plummy French accent. “You won’t have to pad it out a bit in front?” she asks. The proprietor’s voice goes down half an octave. “Oh, but that is the fashion these days. Mademoiselle is completely up to date: the slim, boyish, greyhound look. Today, curves are strictly superfluous on the younger woman.”
Ignoring angry protests from the dress shop’s staff, the policemen burst through the fitting room into a back office where the three delivery men are sitting in the middle of hundreds of pieces of registered mail. “It’s a fine thing when private citizens are going through their personal correspondence, and the coppers come in and knock the lot off,” blusters one of the crooks. “You lot, stay here and don’t try anything,” warns the sergeant. Astonishingly, the police scoop up all the stolen mail and depart, leaving the miscreants behind.
“The police have been here,” says one of Jules’ employees. “What! Where’s the police now?” says Jules in his native East End tongue. “Oh, they’ve gone,” she tells him. “Gone? Where’s the lads? Have they took ’em down the nick?” he asks, stunned. “No, they just took away some bags. They looked like mailbags.”
Jules, in his alter ego as Pearly Gates, strolls into his office and announces to the three confused carpet delivery men, “The law, as you call it, has gone.” “What do you know about that!” says one of the lads. “Good old Pearly. We knew you could fix it!” says another. “You useless bunch of moronic twits!” barks Gates. “What do you mean useless?” says one of the bunglers. “You know what you’ve fallen for, don’tcha?” says Gates. “The oldest bleedin’ game in the business, that’s all: the IPO caper!” “IPO? What’s IPO?” asks one of the bewildered lads. “Impersonatin’ a police officer,” says Gates. “You mean we’ve been conned?” suggests one of the boys. “I mean you’ve been conned!” bellows Gates.
