From The Desk Of Cotton Mather: Butt-Enhancing Briefs!

Cotton Mather’s Robert Harrison gets brownie points for ambition. Death Of The Cool (The Star Apple Kingdom) comprises 11 of the 64 songs he’s been writing in an extended fit of creativity inspired by the I Ching, the ancient Chinese divination text—one tune per hexagram (or reading). Seriously. Harrison will be guest editing all week.


Harrison: Yes, it’s true. These exist, people. I’ve seen them advertised online, and they’re selling like hot cakes. Or perhaps I should say hot-crossed buns. And if you’re a guy considering this purchase, I’m guessing you’ve been spending way too much time reading Cosmopolitan or online dating tips, but not much time in the gym. What exactly is the long-range plan here? Let’s say you’ve successfully wooed her with your artificially curvilinear derrière, and the time has come to, well you know, take things to the boudoir? What are you going to do? Leave your false rear end at home and tell her you forgot to work out that day? The Ching’s 22nd reading, Adornment, (which we’ll discuss more tomorrow) addresses questions of superficiality versus character based presentations of the self. As examples of ornamentation, the I Ching cites beards, silks and carriages but says nothing about a fake ass! Perhaps an updated translation could read: “Adorning with foam butt. In the end, humiliation.” On the other hand, these could be most useful during basketball season for sitting on those bleachers.